To massage someone's neck and shoulders, start with the shoulders: knead the tops between your thumb and fingers and make slow circles around the shoulder blades. Then move to the back of the neck with lighter, slower strokes on the muscles beside the spine. Never press on the front or sides of the throat, and keep it gentle; it shouldn't hurt.

Shoulders first, neck second, is the order that works. The shoulders can take firmer pressure and they get your partner settled, so by the time you reach the neck they're relaxed enough to enjoy a much lighter touch. For setting up a massage on your bed, see our guide to giving a massage at home.

Key takeaways

  • Shoulders first (about 6 minutes), then the neck (about 4 minutes) with half the pressure.
  • Stay on the back of the neck. Never press the front or sides, where large blood vessels run.
  • Stop straight away if they feel tingling, numbness, or shooting pain in the neck, shoulder, or arm.
  • It should never hurt. If they wince, tense, or hold their breath, go lighter.
  • Face down with the head straight, both sides of the neck are relaxed and in reach. A head turned to one side puts half the neck out of reach.

Choose a position

Face down (best for a longer massage). You can reach the shoulders, shoulder blades, and back of the neck from one spot. The catch is the head. Turned to one side, the neck is twisted and half of it is out of reach. A face cradle keeps the head straight so both sides of the neck are relaxed and easy to reach. The NorthPalm headrest clamps to the side of your bed and does exactly that, and how to lie face down comfortably covers pillow setups if you don't have one.

Sitting up (best for five minutes on the sofa). They sit backwards on a chair, or on the edge of the bed, leaning forward onto a pillow. You stand or kneel behind them. Their shoulders are right at hand height, which makes this the easiest position for the giver.

Face up (best for the neck alone). They lie on their back with their head on a pillow, and you sit at the head end. You can slide your hands under the back of the neck and let the weight of their head do most of the work.

Position Best for Where the giver is Watch for
Face down A longer massage of the shoulders, shoulder blades, and neck Beside them, at shoulder level The head turning to one side; a face cradle or rolled towels keep it straight
Sitting up Five minutes on the sofa Behind them, standing or kneeling They hold up their own head, so go lighter on the neck
Face up The neck on its own At the head end, sitting Hands under the back of the neck only, never the front

The shoulders (6 minutes)

1. Warm-up glides

Hands flat on the upper back, glide up and out over the tops of the shoulders and down the upper arms. Repeat eight to ten times, slowly, to spread the oil and warm the area.

2. Shoulder squeezes

Take the thick muscle on top of each shoulder between your thumb and fingers. Squeeze gently, hold for a moment, and let go, working from the base of the neck out toward the shoulder joint and back. Think of slowly kneading dough, not pinching.

3. Around the shoulder blades

Find the inside edge of a shoulder blade, the one closest to the spine. With the flat pads of your fingers or a thumb, make small slow circles along that edge from the bottom to the top. Then do the same along the top of the blade. Switch sides.

4. Palm circles

Lay a palm flat over each shoulder blade and make big, slow circles. It's simple, broad, and warm, and a good way to rest your fingers before the neck.

The neck (4 minutes)

Use about half the pressure you used on the shoulders.

5. Neck glides

With your fingertips on either side of the spine at the base of the neck, glide slowly up to the base of the skull and lift off. Repeat. You're on the muscles at the back of the neck, a finger's width or two out from the bony bumps in the middle.

6. The gentle squeeze

Cup the back of the neck with one hand, thumb on one side and fingers on the other, and squeeze very gently. Hold for a breath, release, and move up a little. Stay at the back of the neck, never wrapping around to the front.

7. Along the base of the skull

Find the ridge where the neck meets the skull. With your fingertips, make tiny slow circles along it from the middle outward toward the ears. Light pressure. Many people find this the most relaxing spot of all. Keep moving rather than holding firm pressure in one place, which can bring on a headache (ABMP).

8. Finish

Go back to the warm-up glides from step 1, lighter each time, and end with your hands resting still on the tops of the shoulders.

Should it hurt?

No. A good neck and shoulder massage can feel firm on the shoulders, but it shouldn't hurt at any point. "No pain, no gain" doesn't belong in a massage at home.

Watch for the signs it's too much: wincing, holding their breath, shoulders creeping up toward their ears, or their whole body tensing. If you see any of them, go lighter straight away. If they say it hurts, stop on that spot.

The front and sides of the neck are off-limits. Large blood vessels run there. Pressing on them can cause dizziness or fainting, and trained therapists need advanced training before working in that area (ABMP). Keep your hands on the back of the neck and the shoulders.

Stop straight away if they feel tingling, numbness, or shooting pain in the neck, shoulder, or arm. The nerves to the arm run through the side of the neck, and pressure that sets off any of those feelings needs to change at once (ABMP).

Don't twist, pull, or "crack" the neck. Rotations and quick stretches are for professionals.

Leave it to a professional when:

  • Neck pain or stiffness hasn't gone after a few weeks, or comes with pins and needles or a cold arm. Those are reasons to see a GP (NHS).
  • The pain is sharp, spreads down an arm, or followed a fall or injury.
  • They're pregnant. A therapist trained in pregnancy massage is the right choice, and lying on the belly isn't advised after about 12 weeks (HealthLinkBC).

Keep your own hands comfortable

Shoulder squeezes are hard work for the giver's thumbs. Swap to palm circles whenever your hands tire, and use your body weight rather than your grip. More in how to give a massage without hurting your hands.

To go from here to a full massage, use a simple partner massage routine, or slow it right down for a relaxing massage before bed.

Questions people ask

How can you massage someone's neck and shoulders without hurting them? Start on the shoulders, use half that pressure on the neck, stay on the back of the neck only, and watch their breathing. If they tense or hold their breath, go lighter.

What about the tight spots people call knots? Rest a fingertip or thumb on the spot with gentle, steady pressure for a few breaths, then let go. Don't dig or rub hard. A spot that hurts, or keeps coming back, is worth showing a licensed massage therapist.

Can you massage someone's neck while they sit up? Yes. Sitting backwards on a chair, leaning on a pillow, works well for a short neck and shoulder massage. Use the same strokes, just lighter, since they're holding their own head up.

How do you massage someone's shoulders in bed? Have them lie face down with their head straight, not turned, and kneel beside them at shoulder level. Use the shoulder steps above, then move up to the neck.

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